What I've learned from my kids' fast friendship making skills
Why does it seem to take ages to make new friends as an adult and yet kids just jump in? I have a theory. Play.
Yesterday I got chatting to a guy whilst I was working remotely. We’re now 3 weeks into our summer adventure and I was working at a hotel (whilst also carrying out my secret hobby / mission of sneaking into hotel pools that I’m not staying at - it’s just my thing, ok. Some people commit all sorts of heinous crimes, I dip in as many pools as I am and am not allowed so #sorrynotsorry - more on this pursuit of mischief to come). This guy was well over 6ft. Buff. Covered in tattoos. Use of one leg only. And travelled with a tiny Pomeranian pup. A Pomeranian service dog no less I should add. He himself was also a leg down. The man told me that he’d been staying in this area in Costa Rica for 6 months and was now bound for Mexico for 6 months followed by New Zealand and Bali. He wasn’t sure how he was going to do his work meetings with the Bail time zones, so he thought he might skip through there quickly and was working on an alternate location. He showed me the bag where his dog sits when they’re on the plane. Apparently he’s asleep before take off, I resonated with the puff ball as I too possess this talent. I asked if I could pet the dog and he kindly let me, which honestly was good of him as there was a substantially high risk of me bundling up that pooch into it’s flight bag and running away to Bali for 6 months myself. My goodness. That kind of cuteness should have a squish warning on it.
It didn’t feel appropriate to get into all the details of his story, so I don’t know what happened to his leg or what job allows him to move around the round the world with a tiny Pomeranian service dog, but it didn’t matter. It gave my imagination a lot to play with. Following this encounter as my brain started to have a whale of time imagining this unlikely pair, down two legs between them, travelling the world, something magical happened in my mind. A new thought path opened up knowing that this life exists. And in this feeling, in this new doorway appearing in my mind, it captured one of my deepest loves about traveling. The increased awareness of the many possibilities of how to do life.
It doesn’t even have to be exotic travel for this to occur. But I do think it requires being in a novelty mindset and having a place to seek it out. I find discovering ‘life’s characters’ (we are all one, creating our own stories to tell) a mixture of comforting, inspiring and motivational. I say comforting because inside of our own bubbles, which are fuelled by the algorithmic domes we sit under we look for mirrors of our own reality or presentations of extreme versions of life we find it hard to relate to. But out and about, on the road, in real life you meet people not just in the middle of those extremes, but who seem to exist outside of it entirely. And it is this that comforts me greatly, to know that what is presented to me through social media, the news and my own everyday reality is just a tiny fragment of lives being lived, it sparks my imagination of what is possible, and the feeling that my imagination gives me when it plays with these new characters is hope.
In contrast to my brief conversation with all sorts of people here, the children have not gathered a collection of interesting conversations and observations, they have in fact gathered friends. There is something superhuman about children’s ability to seek out and make a friend. It can happen incredibly quickly, and perhaps in temporary locations children have the ability to connect quickly even more so, their radar for fun and play is sensitive. It knows it needs to get on with it. Cut the small talk and chit chat and get straight to the play. Indy has made friends with two girls who are also living here for a month. They are living just around the corner and they have spent hours and hours playing together. She’s celebrating her new friend's birthday tomorrow, they’re going to get their nails done. Her new friend is overwhelmed by attention and groups and doesn't like birthday parties, so always has one-on-one treats with her friends on her birthday. And this year that friend is Indy. Because she is here right now and because she is a special friend right now - it does not matter to kids that they’ve only just met (this is how an adult would describe the relationship), this is the time right here and now and the friendship has been forged and quickly sealed with play. They say that when people are in new relationships something pretty wild happens in our neurological activity. Senses are heightened, everything is a novelty, it’s incredibly exciting. Perhaps you once had a holiday romance or holiday friendship? There is certainly something about that that makes sense.
Phoenix has made friends with a bunch of local kids who live here. They all seem so free. They ride their bikes around town, hang out at the skatepark. He even went to a party with them the other night at a youth hostel. It was late and dark and I had arranged for our regular tuktuk driver to get him there and back, but I trust this kid implicitly and was happy for him to go. It was one of those big formative moments. He had a great time. They played tag and ping pong and ate grilled cheese toast. Cute. There is a freedom here the kids have that seems to result in them being both simultaneously grown-up but also childlike. That is what a combination of independence and free play outdoors gives kids I believe. A sense of responsibility but also a constant connection and thirst to play.
I think about how long it took me to make friends since we moved from London to Bournemouth. Years. Literal years. It strikes me that as young people we use play as the zone where friendships are forged, explored and then strengthened. Perhaps this is why we hold such deep ties to our historical friendships even if it is no longer logistically possible to connect in person or if lives have gone in what feel like polarised directions, because we have a play history with them. But with the absence of play it is hard to make friends. Especially if talking isn’t your natural thing and you are meeting people in snatches of time. A coffee shop seems like a nice place to hang out but perhaps it prolongs the jump into a friendship that could be great for both of you and with just a bit more play we could stop the fannying around and make deeper connections quicker.
I thought back to some of the mum and baby groups I forced myself along to when I was a first time mum. Totally the wrong play environment for me, I was always going to struggle to express myself there, I was so far away from my play zone. There is this thing that happens when you have a baby that you get sucked into a mum and baby world. And sometimes you need that, people going through the same thing, but perhaps there’s an underlying raising of expectations there that it will be easy to make friends. If we limit our friendship options to people who have a child within a similar time bracket that’s actually pretty nuts. A statistician I’m sure would have something to say about reducing odds for connection.
I also think about the school gate, again not an ideal friend making zone for me, a creative introvert extravert, who enjoys artistic expression, silly humour and thrilling physical activities and struggles with small talk. Perhaps readers, you are thinking that this crescendo I’m heading towards is unrealistic: we can’t make school pick up a playground for parents! But I have to ask - why not?
Inspired by our children’s friendship making abilities and the intensity of the relationships forged, I feel deeply that adults need more regular invitations to play and that in doing so, magical things would happen. What if there was a chalk graffiti wall for parents in spaces where they were waiting for kids? What if swimming lessons were structured in a way so that instead of watching, parents could play pool volleyball at the same time? What if there was a shift away from parent and baby groups which focus on the baby’s play (side note everything is play for a baby, as long as they are being chatted to and interacted with, they don’t need a class!), and instead there were more opportunities for adults to play where they could bring their baby along - I’m thinking tabletop games, learning chess for example, or sod it a weekly water fight for parents in summer, something to release the anxiety and disappear into play.
The two biggest conductors of play are people and environment. And here in this little stretch of coastline in Costa Rica I am enjoying being part of and witnessing those two things collide to create something pretty special. A change is taking place in me where I want to think more deeply about the combination of those two things. I often think about how to prepare and help coach the kids into their future adult life. I believe this is a good place to start - work towards building a life where the people and the environment you spend your time with collide to make play flow easily.
Emma x
This week I asked Jo McMeechan, Paediatric Physiotherapist and SEN Advocate - Can you share a personal experience where play had a transformative impact on your life?
“When we bring play into what we do everyday, either as adults or children, we open up creative centres in the brain and allow our brains and bodies to connect, to evolve new ways of thinking and to bring joy into our lives.
As a neurodivergent family, that has had negative experiences with education, ultimately leading to a mental health crisis for my son, we had to find new ways of living and play had a vital place in this. Bringing creativity and inspiration to our family life opened us up to find innovative ways of living outside of the traditional education system. My children now have a variety of play-based learning experiences that make up their week which I believe has had a transformative effect on how they view the world and their own mental wellbeing."
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Every Monday I’m sharing a post over on my Instagram, inviting you to share what you have been playing… I want to build up a collection of 100s of ways to play, and I love seeing how you observe play in yourselves! Come over and let me know what you’re playing!
Emma x