Untangling growth from greed
The confusing place of wanting something else, when what you’ve got is good.
I’ve arrived back here again. It’s a familiar place. It’s annoying here. It makes me feel flat. And nervous. To be honest I’m sick of it here. This place I called - ‘planet rudderless’. I’m floating around smiling. I’m fine. I’m not in danger, I have enough supplies. I know how to keep myself happy. And yet….rudderless. I’m not going anywhere. I find it hard to work out why I come back but I think I’ve worked it out. It's time to listen more carefully.
Returning to this place is not something I’ve had my whole life. I know it’s not something that is just part of getting older or having kids. At least if it is, it’s not something I’m willing to accept or settle for. I don’t really do settling. It might be a quality about me that’s now always obvious, but I don’t and this has been a hallmark of all the best life choices I’ve ever made. I do compromise. I will negotiate. I will make allowances for people and things. But when it comes to me and the life I seek and what I deem important decisions to the path ahead, nope. I do not settle. The older I get the more intensely I feel about this. I always look for better. Not in a way that makes me unhappy or a ‘grass is always greener’ mindset, I have been content for many many years. But I do always strive for better. Better is always better than perfection. This energy, this is what I have been summoning up to get to the bottom of why I keep landing back on planet rudderless.
I now know exactly why I’m stuck in this cycle. I’m not following my own plan. I’m not stepping fully into a life I have created. Let me rewind a little moment. I had an intense career experience founding and growing an international research agency. I ran it for 11 years, and the more I learn about myself I honestly have no idea how I did it. But I did. And I was good at it. But it took a lot out of me in ways I’ve been uncovering since I exited. When I left my business, I was going to take a short career break to be ‘creative’. I planned on writing a book on living playfully, which if my plan went as I hope would open up new opportunities, increase my profile and from there I would have more opportunities to do all the things I had been dreaming of for decades - building a toy company, writing fiction, collaborating with global brands on innovation and design projects and so on. This plan was sound, I look back and applaud me for that time. It was good strategy. It still is.
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