Maternal rage has a passport too
A stint in paradise is a good reminder that you can change many things about your life, but your triggers will follow you everywhere.
We have crossed the line of 7 weeks away! I have to say. I feel bloody fantastic. I’ve entered a new realm of no shits given and I like it here, as in this mental place but also this physical place too! Playa Guiones in Costa Rica was a perfect spot for our family. Surf, skate, yoga, jungle trails and a lot of good coffee. We loved it there so much and would 100% come back. I often feel in my usual life that I wish I had more face to face companions or communities that are like minded and share our interests. I’ve found this easier to find online than in real life. The usual places where parents make friends haven’t always gifted us a local tribe and I feel like if we stayed in Nosara for a year we would truly find our tribe and forge some great connections. Just as we settled in, it felt like it was time to go!
It was an adjustment to get to this feeling of peace. I glance back at the last few weeks and see some moments that I’m not proud of, or perhaps feel I wasted. Wasted them by worrying about money, work, body. Yawn. Same old shit. I don’t know why I bother, I know how the cycle goes - worry, try and solve it, can’t really do that, tell myself it will be ok eventually, which it usually is, even when it’s not, so decide to stop worrying about it and focus on the moment.
End of cycle.
Until the next one.
I’m so bored of this pattern of thinking and yet can’t seem to get out of it. It’s taken a minimum of a month to disentangle myself from it as adulting, wherever you are, seems to revolve around it. And yet, as I arrive at this place of mental contentment, nothing has actually changed since a few weeks ago, it's just acceptance, letting go, and let those thoughts float on by when they come to poop on the peace party.
I have been very aware of my parenting triggers whilst I’ve been away. Perhaps because in my effort to enjoy this time and reach this space, I’ve been working on getting them under control. I think all parents have their own triggers, those certain things which seem to take you from 0 to 10. They’re likely different for us all. Perhaps you know yours already? When we travel, we pack all our shit with us, including the challenges of family dynamics. Problems are not left on the baggage carousel, they are wheeled right in and unpacked the moment you arrive.
I have been interested to follow the emergence of the term ‘maternal rage’. Good god, give that writer a spot bonus for that term, never has an expression stopped me in my tracks more. I sometimes reflect on some of the stressful business situations I have had to deal with in the past, not so much any more, but I used to have to deal with all sorts of things, many of which were cyclical and so could be very frustrating and overwhelming. Yet I seemed to be able to just get on with them and bounce back. I find myself wondering where this cool head has goes when family challenges tap into what feels like an additional heat setting. Boiling. I assume this is down to the emotional layers that come with family relationships. These humans actually emerged from my body, I grew them, cared and nurtured them as babies, married one of them (husband not one of the children, now that would be a viral post), they are people I spend the most time with, who I love unconditionally and want all the things for and yet who can bring me to my knees by simply requesting a snack. Sigh.
This is our first long distance and long time span adventure as a family 5. I’ve taken a bit of time to reflect on just how hard the transition from 2 to 3 kids has been. Both Ben and I have had some dark times with it, it’s pushed us to our limits. Covid probably didn’t help. It has I now know, been the most difficult and challenging chapter of my parenting experience. Scout came out wild. Like seriously wild, I’ve spent time this trip talking to him about his ‘growling’ at people. Parenting him whilst the other two go through early puberty and never having enough of myself to go around I have found more challenging than becoming a first time mum with a newborn. And that was mental so it says a lot.
The additional dynamic of a younger child in the mix has not been like adding a bit of sweet jam to the sandwich to make it complete. It has in fact been more like squeezing in so much jam you can’t actually eat the sandwich, because it’s oozing out everywhere, it’s all over your hands and it’s everywhere and you’re an absolute mess. But yet, you just lick your fingers, take a sloppy bite, and…mmmmmm. God it tastes so good. So sweet. Ridiculous of course. Funny. Silly. Uncontrollable and very messy. And oh so very sticky.
As a third time parent, someone who is passionate about being a mother, someone who even has some pretty decent knowledge and professional experience about kids, there is a general assumption from people who know me near and far, that I am always fine. They say that it’s always the ones who seem fine, the extravert types you should worry about and I believe that’s true. It’s a mental note I’ve been filing for years about my daughter, because she has it too. She is always easy breezy, smiles and happy go lucky but every now and then I’ll try out scratching at the surface and the river runs deep. I know this and I know to keep an eye on it, because I know where she learned it from. People see me as a strong, independent woman, and that I am. I do not really compromise unless I have to, I live a pick n mix approach to life and refuse to pushed into any extreme choice or view. It’s assumed I always know how to figure things out, and a lot of the times I can. I’ve had a job since I was 12. I organised my own play dates from age 7. I showed the optician up at age 5 because he thought I just couldn't read the letters. I left with purple frames and astigmatism. But at times I quite often feel pretty broken, I keep finding myself lost and when I do I find it very hard to ask for help. So hard I don’t even know what I’m asking for. Layer into this having a comfortable lifestyle, a good job and a nice house and you can forget about it. Finding things hard? Get over it love. You made your life choices; deal with your own sticky mess. I have a lot of baggage here. The problem with following your dreams and building up a life from not a lot to incredibly full is often people don’t know what to do with you when you get there. I have been told women find me intimidating. I know this to be true but I have no idea what to do with this information.
I was raised in the Midlands, a place where for better or worse no one is special. You can achieve things and no one really cares. You can save up for something, buy it and no one gives a shit. You can go travel the world and the most you’ll get it is a ‘fair play good for you’. I am laughing out loud writing this. It’s hard to explain. It’s a really specific cultural thing that I’m not sure translates everywhere. It’s like a baseline level of not being impressed by anything. And it’s grounding and humbling, but it can also be dangerous and demotivating. We all need encouragement and we all seek validation and approval (even if we shouldn’t). And when we don’t get it it sends us a bit crazy (IMO and experience). When no one sees or values things we’ve done or tried or worked really hard at it crushes our soul. In a very childlike way, the soul gets damaged. This has contributed to some complicated feelings I have about my own achievements, not ever being able to celebrate them, share them in full, feel full levels of pride about them and ask for help when things aren’t going so well.
Then there’s my timeline which everyday is filled with daily reminders to be grateful because of all the awful things happening in the world. The awful things that just never seem to stop. The awful things that make you question how did you get to be so lucky? How it possible you get to this live this life when there is just so much shit going on? The lives that seem impossible to believe, that make it even harder to say - ‘I’m really finding this hard right now’. I don’t know how to not pass this on to my kids, problems are not the same, but we all get them. I have at times fallen into martyr type behaviours where I have not taken action or got some help or made a change because I know it’s not available to everyone. This is stupid. I will at least know how to validate our children when they are adults. I will always be their parent and them my children at whatever age, and all kids want is to impress and make their parents proud, that never ever stops. I know this to my core and remind myself daily and will play my role enthusiastically because I know what an impact it can have. I hope it helps them ask for help when they need it.
I sometimes find myself wondering why the world finds it so hard to embrace that many things, even opposing things, can be true all at once? This is the epitome of the human experience I believe. I am grateful. I am lucky. I do have a comfortable life. And yet here I have been for the last three years, utterly floored by having a third child and not able to express it. Exhausted by the combination of puberty and potty training. Sidelined by a child with high attention needs, who is sensitive and feels all the senses and all the feelings so deeply. All of these things have been true all at once. They don't make sense together on paper, but in real life they sit side by side holding hands. I would have benefited from anyone to talk to, to share exactly how hard it's been. And whilst I do believe we’re well over the hump and into new promising family lands, this trip has really allowed me some space and unplugged time to ponder just how tricky it has been at times.
Thankyou for reading and for being part of the processing.
The midlanders are right, no one is special. But the wiser, well trodden me would also like to add to that….it’s because we all are.
This is the best thing you’ve written (IMHO). So much to relate to and I think it’s so important to start to realise that life can be a contradiction very often. Being an ‘organiser’ and general fixed means that it’s hard to ask for help. Overthinking crippled my very early parenting years so I hope you shake it off quick because you are amazing!!! 🌟
This was easy and difficult to read in equal measure; you put my experiences onto “paper” so eloquently which was both validating and hard to acknowledge as my reality. Thank you for being brave enough to share. I’ve spent 2 years working through much of what you described and still have to kick myself in the butt to share about the hard (ragey) days, ask for and accept help and support and be honest about not always having the “answers” or being “fine”. We definitely so need to talk about this more.
Thank you again. This was my first read of your work and I’m already hooked