Making friends with my body. It comes first from now on.
I caught dengue fever and got really sick. As I desperately sought to feel myself again I realised I have some work to do on being a better friend to my body.
I recently got really sick. Very sick in fact, probably the worst I’ve ever been. I picked up dengue fever from mosquito bites in costa rica. Obviously I was the only one in the family affected. Everyone else continued to live their best travel life whilst I gradually became a shell of a woman. The fever was horrendous, I could not get it under control. I took myself to the ER room in LA at 3 in the morning. It’s hard to explain how out of character that is for me. But I thought I might have malaria and was concerned my organs were failing. Casual middle of the night death panic.
As it turned out, same insect, different virus. Little shits.
The ER room was an awful experience. Behind the sunny blue skies, beautiful hills and shiny veneer smiles of LA lies a deep darkness. The homeless situation is out of control. Tented communities exist under bridges. Seriously mentally ill people struggle everywhere in plain sight. I walked out of the Barbie movie full of pink joyfulness and giggles with my daughter only to have to divert her eyes swiftly as a guy sat bold as brass in the middle of the steps in the mall jerking off. We were indeed not in Barbieland anymore. Not even that went down in Kendom. Likewise, there were scenes in the ER that I won’t forget anytime soon. It was sad and I have to admit quite scary. Maybe that was the true purpose of why I ended up there. To keep my eyes hella open. The true purpose of travel is to widen our view on the world, it can’t all be glossy.
Sometimes when I get sick I can bounce back into life. Othertimes I feel like there are those kind of viruses that add some punctuation on your life story, marking it with semicolon in thick black Sharpie. A little bit of scar tissue. I’m not talking about the life altering type, but the type that shifts how you feel about your health and physical health, a time now exists before and after that experience. And for me, there will always now be a before and after dengue fever.
Dramatic much? Maybe.
In Derry Girls, which I’ve thoroughly enjoyed binging on this trip, there is an episode where James gets hit by a van and ‘sees the light’. He awakes feeling scared that he might go his whole life and not tell people the things he wants to say or experience things he dreams of. He has a fresh perspective and new appreciation for life. People, I think I am having my James Derry Girl moment and am most likely being equally as English and annoying about it. When your health is on the floor and you spend a lot of time in bed, pining for it to come back it’s hard not to let your mind wander. I questioned if I had been taking my health for granted. I felt like I was begging for it back.
There were some complications with the fever - dengue can make platelets in the blood drop and also can raise cholesterol. The weird effects seemed to be endless and when I saw them in black and white on my blood test results, I felt a rush of love and care for my own body; a need to protect it fiercely. It was such a strong feeling I felt overcome with emotion (wasn’t that ideal tbh given I didn’t have that many platelets).
This was a feeling I had not felt for some time and I started to think about how I treat my body. I reflected on all the times I have spoken unkindly to it; looked in the mirror and been pissed with what it showed me. I thought about the times I pumped my body with so much alcohol it wretched it back out to expel the poison. Then there’s all the crap I’ve eaten, processed foods difficult for my body to break down. Going further back down the timeline I recalled when I was obsessed with exercise, sometimes swimming twice a day and then working out in the gym before running home and completely collapsing. I remembered the sunbeds I used to lie on desperate to keep that golden glow in the middle of winter and I cringed recalling my 20s when I’d ram my fingers down my throat desperate to maintain a flat stomach.
I felt sorry for my body. I’m not sure I’ve been a kind owner of it.
I felt like a bit of a mean bitch. If I could separate us and have a chat with my body, how would it appear? A sad abused bullied shadow? It’s a possibility I really had to consider.
I tried to think about how often I put my body first? Given it relies solely on my actions and that only I have the power to nurture and care for it. Do I really do this? Sometimes for sure, but I had to face head on that I am not sure I am doing as much as I can.
I am 40 years old.
This has to change.
It’s pathetic, truly Emma.
It’s time to move on from this place. We are not getting any younger.
I have struggled with my weight over the last couple of years. After I had Scout I was in a great place, I lost a lot of weight and felt really healthy, but at some point with getting older, continually disturbed sleep and tiredness, covid stress, things really changed and I’ve not been able to get in a good place health wise. I’m not comparing this to any kind of unrealistic beauty ideal, I’ve moved on from all that (too old!) but more just what feels right for my body, I’ve not felt in that place for some time. I’ve listened and read so much on health and nutrition, that I seem to have become completely paralysed as to what to do for me. Everything I learn I think ‘yes! I have that problem!’. Insulin? Glucose? Hormones? Eating fermented foods? Vegan? I’m so confused I think I’ve stopped listening to my own body and become distanced from my intuition.
People talk about being in tune with your body, and this is what I now strive for. This is the direction I am moving in.
Not numbers, or fads or body trends.
Not an insane amount of science.
I just want to listen.
I want to really really listen.
I want to be friends with my body, love it dearly and take care of it.
This starts with me being honest with my body that for many years, I have prioritised work above it. When I look at how I manage my time (something I’m pretty good at as you can’t pursue a life of play with 3 kids if you don’t get strict with time blocking, boundaries and plan well!), I notice that I plan with work as a first priority. I service clients and I have deadlines and I have a fear of running out of work so am often squeezing in last min requests. It is this that I will change for my new upcoming season. From September, I will practice what I preach, and will start my time management with my body first and foremost. It will reign supreme, and get pride of place in my diary. The routine will be built with health front and center and will not be compromised.
I have done the hard hustle years. I am allowing myself to move into a new season and lead with my health first. It’s very early days and I’m still recovering from the tail of this virus but I feel very optimistic. I have really looked after myself during this time. I feel healthy and have been going to the gym every morning to get my strength back up and really enjoying it. Stepping into this new health first focus will involve some practical things such as a weekly time to physically go to a food shop, some quiet time to enjoy the process of browsing recipes and planning meals, making it actually fun and not living in a continual rushed cycle of ‘what are we eating today?’. It will involve starting work later everyday so I can have time for movement each morning. It will involve me following my desire to take a screen writing course as a gift to my imagination to play with. It will mean scheduled dates every month for nature hikes that are non movable. It will ultimately mean less time for work. It will mean thinking less about my career which I am still learning to stop obsessing about and value myself on. It will mean saying no. It possibly might mean I earn less money. We will manage that. Though I suspect new opportunities will arise with space and new energy.
It also means I’m going to sign up and join the fancy hotel club I’ve been eyeing up. The one with the all year round gorgeous heated outdoor pool and beach access. In my last post I noted thow I can sometimes engage in martyr type actions. I sometimes don’t do things because I know they’re not available to everyone. I am actively changing this about myself. When you class jump and build a life that’s different to any you knew existed, it can create some ‘stuff’; a sense you don't belong or you’re not living a ‘real life’.I need to shake this idea I've been fed that my job is not real, my relationship is not representative, my lifestyle isn’t normal, that I am not a ‘typical mum’. My life is real and normal to me and if anything I only continue to strive to make it even further away from being ‘typical’. And so I will join the swishy club, and I will feel that actually I do belong there. Fuck it. I’m also going to buy one of those electric bikes so I can cycle there in the mornings, use the gym, get in the pool or dip in the sea and then do some work.
That will be my new routine.
I will listen to my body.
I will look after it.
I will look after me.
And this will be my greatest gift to everyone around me.
.
Loved this so much. Thank you so much for sharing. Inspirational, truly.
Really hope your bod is feeling super strong again soon xxx
I love this Emma ❤️ Feeling inspired to do all this myself too (except for the fancy gym...one day!). I love that you’re including screen writing for yourself, looking holistically at health outside of ‘just’ our body. I’m just starting to get excited for new term/new rhythm vibes & will be putting movement first too. Meal planning is my enemy though 😠 So sorry you had to go through dengue fever to get these insights though xx