I want to be a more organised parent. But it’s just so boring
I sometimes make life harder for myself resisting organisational mothering duties. It goes deeper than forgetting or tiredness. I don't want it to consume my identity.
I pause on another piece of ‘organising content’ on IG. What’s this person on about today? Toys? Travel packing? Back to school? Meal planning? Laundry cupboard? Homework? Uniform? Keeping kids entertained on a train?
There is nothing these people can’t organise the crap out of it seems. Everything has a better way it can be done, everything can be made more ordered and simplified. Everything can be better organised than how I do it. Whatever happened to just figuring it out as you go?
I enter into my usual routine of being engaged and curious in the ideas shared, before moving on to having an almost allergic reaction and making a speedy scroll on by, possibly accompanied by a light roll.
Yuck, get it away from me. It’s infiltrating my mind and soul and reminding me I could do better. This is dullsville content but here I am watching it and wanting to watch again, why is this my life, watching someone label items of clothing in an efficient way? This is not what I want my mind to thinking about. Be gone.
Sometimes I even utter an audible ‘nope’ at these videos. It’s nothing personal to the presenter, this type of content does well on social media and so people make more of it and they get more and more creative with it. That’s we do as humans, we take something and reimagine it and get creative, and we do that about everything from black holes to shoe cupboards. I believe this type of content is popular because it lands on the shores of a sea of women who are treading water and searching for hope. The lifebuoy of control. Managing, planning and organising every corner of life to prevent things from spiralling, perhaps even enabling them to have a moments peace. This organisation is a sorting out of the tangible, and as a consequence, the emotional. Aren’t we all just one organisational hack away from being able to do it all?
No. We’re not.
Sorry about that.
Shit happens. Even when you have a leak proof bottle and raincoat.
The behaviour of organisation is often considered as a personal characteristic. Do you have it or not? We might describe a person as being ‘organised’ or ‘disorganised’, and relate it to individual personality, and probably to some extent it is. I am not an expert in this topic (as come to explore). Some people enjoy order, and having foresight and being prepared, others feel more at home in a comfortable level of chaos and embrace spontaneity. The problem with defining organisation as trait in the context of an adulthood, or more specifically a parent’s role, is that it’s not actually a choice. Whether you are more ordered or more slap dash, those school forms, the hungry people, their smelly clothes, the curve ball doctors’ appointments and broken things will all be thrust upon you simultaneously. There is no choice but to have some sort of strategy with it all regardless of who you are.
So, what is mine? (absolutely no one asked)
My relationship with being organised seems to have a multiple personality disorder. Like with most things in my life I appear to be more efficient in those areas I enjoy. I am great at play storage, rotation and sorting. The house is incredibly well designed for playtime, whoever you are. There is very little clutter. I don’t hoard or over shop and have a good understanding of what has play value and where to put it. I over excel here. Same applies to clothing. Very little waste, inspiring ways to sort and organise and everyone is looking fabulously them. I am also brilliant at scheduling and ensuring balance. I scrutinise how we spend our time in the weekly routine, a process which sounds incredibly dull like I’m sucking all fun out of it, but is done to ensure there is downtime. Sadly as I arrive at the age-station 40, I can conclude that if you don’t make space for fun it tends to happen less organically. If there are no pockets to breath and have unstructured play and those moments of low stakes togetherness, it can dry up. I am also good at finding classes and extra-curricular things for everyone and figuring out how to make it all work. I also do well at managing work and holding boundaries. My job has a lot of deadlines and I often work across multiple clients and timezones. I use time blocking and sometimes I have no idea how I’ll get it all done but it just seems to always work out. I have a good intuitive sense of when I’m feeling creative and productive and when I need to do more to make it happen. I am not tied to set hours and am good at making movement and mind wandering part of my working routine which means I ultimately work less hours because I’m more effective at tasks. I am disciplined with play you could say.
I am however awful at so many things I don’t even know where to start with the list. Meal planning. Cooking. Mornings. Remembering birthdays. Planning special events. School admin. Anything to do with my car. Medical stuff. Knowing when my period is coming. Food shopping. IT IS ALL A HOT MESS.
According to the time stamp on the above image I’ve been over ordering bananas since 2016. 6 bananas apparently is 6 bunches not 6 individual ones. And can I tell you one banana based recipe based on this experience? Nope. I probably just ate them all and got constipation. Even toddler Indy is judging me by the looks of it, but please note the excellent arts and crafts trolley in the background, totally sums it up!
Ben takes care of a lot of domestic things that I don’t even think about anymore because I need to spend more time funding our lifestyle (some people call this work but I like this description more as for whatever reason I find it motivating). So he does all laundry, kitchen cleaning, bills, subscriptions, banking, bins, school pick-ups. He does a lot and I think his mental health is more closely entangled in the state of the house compared to mine. I sometimes find myself feeling envious that a lot of his duties are taken care of in the moment and have some kind of closed loop in that they start and then end (and then of course need repeating again until the end of the earth, amen, but for a moment there they are somewhat tackled). Whereas my responsibilities always involve an element of foresight and planning and seem to drag on over days, sometimes months, in other words the timeline for my chores feels longer so they’re always on my mind. Even changing the sheets, there’s a mental consideration ie, can it wait? And don’t even get me started on dinner time, the amount of mental energy I’ve put into that I could have written 3 books by now. This is of course also known as the mental load. The things that take up precious headspace, a constant cycle of whats been, what’s coming up and what has been missed. An endless prompt of questions interprupt my thoughts -
She hasn’t eaten any proper vegetables for a while, what are we going to do about that?
There was that school performance that I think we have to book tickets for, did I get them?
So and so’s birthday coming up, no one will ever forget the year you forgot so get on it
The tasks like getting presents for kids’ birthday parties sometimes feels like the hardest task ever in the midst of a busy week and by comparison, putting on a podcast and cleaning the sink seems quite nice as it doesn’t involve ANY thinking! Which if you’ve been around my content for a while you will know, I already do enough of that.
However folks. The time has come for me to make some changes. My new season starts in September. I say my new season because I really love the back to school mindset of September, as in love it for me, and only for me, because the kids’ part of it I find horrendous, too much organisation: also see entire commentary of this post. But as of September I am going to be attempting to work on my organisation in some areas of life. Because, I have a hunch, a philosophical musing if you like. Here it is - the things we label as our weaknesses, that feel like they’re holding us back and making life harder for us can be reframed and looked at differently. Perhaps these aren’t weaknesses at all, but actually are in fact the keys to unlock whatever it is we seek or are lacking. If my theory is correct then I believe a new approach to how I organise (some) things will give me more playtime, better health and decreased grumpy levels. It will bring some complimentary energy to my haphazard way of being. In the same way that people with too much control and order need more playfulness, I need a dash more discipline. Consider me your guinea pig, I’m game for the experiment. Now I’m not going all instagram super organised mum on you all and I’m also aware that the topic of mental load and how it’s tackled is not experienced equally, there is no commentary here on anyone other than myself. I’m simply picking two areas where I do have the capacity in my current life to give myself a little pep talk, kick up the ass and try and come at it differently. I have selected my main areas of focus to be meals and mornings, and I will approach this by doing what all playful people do. Make it fun.
Having kids has sucked all the joy out of cooking for me. As mentioned in a prior post hearing the phrase ‘I’m hungry’ does something to me that is akin to rage. BUT, I know that cooking is play for some people, that they find deep joy in it and I want in. I do believe that a positive relationship with food has one of the biggest impacts on our overall holistic health. To be honest I’m not exactly sure what that last sentence exactly means, but it came from somewhere and I think I know for my own health goals I really need to level the heck up here.
Then there are mornings. My botched approach to mornings might bring to life what underpins my resistance to organisational behaviours that I know could make my life easier. I must confess dear reader: I never, ever, get things ready the night before. I am sorry if this shocks some of you to the core. And you will be right to assume that it makes things more frantic and stressful in the mornings, it does! And you would be right to assume that I forget things and wind up driving up to the school way too many times, I do! But here’s the thing. In the evening, when Scout is down and the big kids are doing their thing, I want to do my thing. Evenings are my time to be me and be free. I want my headspace to take a break from life admin and work chatter. I want to be Emma. I want to do whatever the f!ck I want. I don’t want to be working an extra day on top of a working day. I want to protect my imagination, it’s my greatest resource and it’s very precious to me. And to do that I need to spark it with interesting activities and stimulus that it enjoys mixing and dreaming with. The number of things to organise is endless. It’s like picking a scab, you scratch a little and the blood pours, then you need to find a swab, some antiseptic cream, a plaster and it’s now a whole scene.
I’ve always worked on an 80% rule. I aim to do the things 80% of the time and I accept I will forget / miss / mess up 20% of the time and I’m good with that. I’m willing to take it in exchange for still feeling like me. So this is why I don’t get things ready the night before, because it makes me feel like someone I don’t want to be. I know it sounds so petty and immature, and I do and will get over it because I’m tired of the ‘why didn’t I do this earlier?’ conversation with myself, but it’s almost like if I try and control too many things I’m going to fill my mind with so many things to remember that I’m not going to be me anymore. I am still navigating this one. Sometimes I really just need to wash some gym kit and move on. Lol.
So as we approach back to school season and the organisation content is coming thick and fast to remind me of all things I could be doing I’m half-watching, but I’m also taking a breath. I’m still good with my 80% rule, I’m still committed to holding the time for me and not allowing my mind to be only playing around with life admin thoughts. I don’t wish to control everything, I do not strive to enter into the parenting admin olympics. But I do feel compelled to apply my creativity to some of areas of life where I could use a bit more organisation and find a way to make them more fun and appealing to me. Afterall, when I glance into the future I would really like for the kids to have feel good memories of food and meal times. That’s something I just want to plug into their memories and to do that I need to work out how to make this fun for me so that that is knock on effect. I’m not saying this will be easy or it go well everyday, but I just hope for a bit of improvement. All I can do is try.
These are brave new frontiers for me. Will report back.
P.S I can’t work out how to contact subscribers on here directly but wanted to say I noticed some of you have started to chip in and pay for my content. Just wanted to say as an aspiring full time writer (one day) I really appreciate it and it’s hugely motivating. Love your notes even though I’m too disorganised to know how to reply to them. If you want to support my substack please subscribe, like and share posts and become a paid subscriber if that’s something you can afford / want to do!
Emma your writing is brilliant. I hope this sounds encouraging not patronising - this is one of the best bits of actual writing you’ve done. Loved the metaphors and the way it’s all crafted and flowy. Keep going!!
My two are 12 and 10 and I’ve decided I’m keeping out of their mornings this year. A friend tried it and swears by it. Getting involved causes friction all round so they can sort themselves out. Yes they’ll be late a few times but they’ll get over it.
I am one of those people who loves cooking and creating in the kitchen. But even I get bored or stuck for ideas. My eldest now does one meal a week. We have one yo-yo night (you’re on your own) where everyone gets their own because clubs mean a meal doesn’t work. (Usually toast or ramen noodles). Husband does one night. So that leaves me 4 to contend with which feels easier. And the younger fussier child wrote me a list of food she will tolerate. So 3 nights are meals she will eat that don’t require thought or discussion. And one night is something new for me to play with. Not every week. But most weeks. Like you say in your email - this stuff isn’t experienced equally so no commentary on how anyone else does it but works for us.
Hope you find the play in the pinch points. Look forward to hearing how it goes! Good luck x
Loved reading this, so relatable whilst also raising lots of ‘oh wow I hadn’t thought of it like that before’ moments in a really fun and lighthearted way. Gave me the same feeling as those moments when a comedian describes something you can relate to completely but you’d never realised how funny it was till now! Someone needs to offer you a regular column in a big mag, newspaper etc. immediately! - so many would benefit from reading this and your other pieces I think.
Ps. excited to see how you get on with your 2 focus things especially as I struggle too with waves of uninterest in meal planning/making very regularly so I’d love to see what you try! After reading this, for starters I’m gonna try and get my 5 year old more involved in saying what meals he’d like over the next week in some sort of fun way and see what happens 🤞
Good luck! 👊