How parenthood robs you of privacy, spontaneity and doing what the f!ck you want
A weekend to myself in a city away from home has made me reconnect with myself but i wonder - how long have we been apart?
When I was a kid these are things I looked forward to about adulthood:
Ordering food from a take away
Having friends over whenever you wanted
Staying up late
Decorating a house
Doing whatever the fuck I wanted
Some of dreams really did come true, and continue to be the gift that keeps on giving (I will never tire of that feeling of saying - ooo shall we order in tonight?), but number 5? Doing the whatever the fuck we want? Hmmm, now that one is way more complex one that my undeveloped brain could fathom. I do respect the intent though and I have been trying to tune back into that energy for some time with mixed results. The freedom we imagine as a child that adulthood seems to promise is conjured up without us knowing that we already have the access to some of the greatest freedoms we might spend the rest of our lives trying to claw back - imagination, creativity, friendship, play, spare time, basic needs met; it sounds glorious.
I can think back to some times in my life when I was living a free spirit existence. Working to save then going off travelling was a cycle I was committed to for some time and then my lucky break getting headhunted to go and work in Australia all felt like one big adventure. Even our early parenting years still felt quite free in a way, we were yet to be home owners or tied to a school or with multiple kids requiring different things. But these last 5 - 6 years have been some of the most hardcore of all the adulting years. Everything gradually crept up on the ‘seriousness scale’ until it tipped into a full blown pandemic into the recovery phase we all find ourselves in now. The third child was a lot as I’ve written about previously and at the other end of the scale with the eldest entering teen years life has become a mix of uber driving and bomb (tantrum) safe detonation.
I’m writing to you from Chicago. Its Sunday, I arrived here on Friday night. By complete coincidence I had two work engagements in the US on consecutive weeks. Last week I was in Santa Fe. I could possibly have made it home in between but it would have been a lot. I used a lot of ‘girl math’ to justify not doing that including increased cost, sustainability and jet lag. All true, but the real reason was I just wanted to hang out with me for a good chunk of time. The older I get correlates with the increasing seriousness of adulthood and the decreasing availability to quote my tweenage self ‘do whatever the fuck I want’. I have no guilt issues with taking time for myself, I am not a person who feels the need to tick every domestic and mothering box before I can attend to my own joy (even though I realise I have pretended to be one of these people in the past because I felt like that’s what made people feel more comfortable). And I’m not sure I ever have been. My core approach to being a “good (enough) mother” has been for my kids to like me. I know they will love me, I am nice to them, provide a safe loving home and I know how to build a healthy relationship, but like me? That’s a whole other thing that I have a lot less say in. Perhaps some people are ok with just unconditional love, but I want them to want to spend time with me and enjoy it at all lifestages. I also don’t care if this is unrealistic, it’s the one dream I feel most passionate about fulfilling. So, whilst there is of course a natural pulling away, which although hard, I know means I have also done a good job, I want them to smile when I call, grin when they think of me, laugh when they talk about me. I want them to see me as someone who is interesting, who has passions and ideas and interests, who has a life of her own but they still feel at the centre of it.
My issue is more around the practicalities of realising this. I often feel very stretched for time, both literally but also mentally. Then there is the childcare situation which is not easy. I am fairly sure if I have any regrets it will be not spending a bit more time getting more support around us these past few years. That would have massively helped. But alas here we are. Onwards we march and all that.
When I saw this trip coming together, I felt excited to meet myself again. It always happens with a good chuck of time on my own. I used to travel for work a lot more than I do now and would often fly to the New York office where I would arrive on the weekend ready to crack on on the Monday. I would have an entire day to walk around the city listening to audio stores.
Sometimes I’d walk for 6-8 hours and every time at the end of it, I’d get the same feeling:
Oh Hey! I know you. Yeah, you’re actually pretty cool. I like you.
Let’s be friends.
Let’s hang out.
What you got for me in there today?
These solo city rambles are a creative invitation to play, dream, imagine. A play date with my inner kid. I had that feeling this weekend and I wish I could bottle it. I wish I could share it with every parent who feels like they’ve lost a sense of themselves, who can’t think beyond the drudgery and admin their mind is overloaded with. So full to bursting that they feel cynical and irked by anything life presents them with. I know that feeling.
I decided this weekend that I would just follow my intuition and not overthink my time and simply do exactly as my inner child requested - whatever the fuck I wanted.
I woke up naturally on both days and chose to go to the gym. Sometimes travelling leads me to unhealthy habits and I like the feeling of knowing that I have that in the locker, so I got it done. I walked to a neighbourhood I was keen to check out and did a bit of mooching around and then inspired by a wall mural decided to take myself on a self guided street art tour. I didn’t really know where I was going, I just followed the art and used some internet tips. I took lots of photos and paused to properly look at it all, enjoying the imaginative process of working out what it all means and thinking about who created it.
Sometimes when we travel to other places because of the expense involved and the limited time, there can be a pressure to do all the things and tick the boxes. This is something I have learned to remove myself from and now travel the playful way twith no hard goals or pressure. It’s a noticeably different experience.
I love looking at houses and neighbourhoods - where people live and I love architecture and buildings, so although I had thought I’d take the artictecture tour (I still hopefully might) in the end, I decided to go to a neighbourhood and just wonder around and look at people’s halloween decorations which sounds creepy now I’ve written it down, haha, but I really loved that part of the day, I felt so free. I then got a pizza and walked back because I really wanted to just rest and watch the David Beckham documentary. So that’s just what I did.
Today I walked to a different part of the city and took in the atmosphere as it was marathon day. Without knowing anyone in the crowd or race I found myself looking for sparks of connection and working out people’s stories. I read lots of signs and studied carefully the faces of people running the race and those supporting them. Every time I spotted someone spotting their person running by I felt such a huge rush - isn’t it beautiful to be a bystander in people’s moments of love and connection? I felt emotional at how beautiful running could become - running! Of all things! Here were these people using the city as their playground with their cheer squad lining it at every corner. It reminded me of playground games, of those moments where the playground would become a stage and the noise and cheers of those watching were loud and just so alive. It was just playtime, but so much more, an auditorium of humanity. I think we are constantly trying to tap back into that as adults, to get our medal, to prove things to ourselves and others, to challenge and push ourselves, to find that roar of the playground around us.
If you didn’t read my last post, I am taking a bit of a pause from some of my work to tumble deep into my creativity. I’m taking some time off from my consulting business to see what’s in there, so naturally I have been thinking about that a lot. My insides squirm with that playground excitement when I think about what's waiting for me on the other side of this trip. Hours and hours to be creative for me rather than for someone else. I have been having some great chats with myself to boost my confidence, to make sure I hold strong and trust that making space will lead to great things whatever they are and that I will also work again (the scarier part). My inner kid is bursting, I think it’s all she’s ever wanted - permission to create, and now after many many years, I have tended to some of the practicalities, it's a pleasure to give her what she wants. She has all kinds of ideas and is raring to go.
One of the thoughts I’ve been playing around regarding the role of play in our lives and how it impacts how we feel, is this idea of having a ‘play prescription’ or ‘taking our play pills’. I believe there are certain activities or ways of playing that neatly give us something we are lacking, that speak to our play soul in a way that allows it to unfurl and be free. A day walking on my own in a city I realised is the play pill I need to take when I am feeling distant from myself. When I am unsure of who I am or feel a bit lost, or perhaps am doubting myself. Playing with the thing that you feel is immensely powerful, so playing at being lost when feeling lost is the ideal prescription and I can feel the impact it’s had already on some of the creeping in self-doubt. When I am city wandering I like to try and notice what I notice. This gives me a lot of rich data about myself. Taking a little pause to consider the things I chose to photograph, what I stare at and where I find myself drifting toward, remind me who I am and to embrace that. I really love bridges apparently. Who knew?
I wonder how many times in parenthood we feel like that sense of we’re losing who we are and how many of us take the time required to figure that out? I realise it’s not always an instant answer, but I wonder if it’s perhaps not always as complex as we assume. After having a child there can be a period of identity recalibration, but I think it’s actually a more ongoing cycle feeling, it has at least been for me. Maybe that’s just growth and evolution, but I do know that the inability to be spontaneous and being faced with a lot of practical barriers that prevent us from hanging out with ourselves, or indeed the people that bring out our playful side, easily cause us to get lost. As that childlike fantasy of doing whatever the fuck we want, seems to dissolve in front of our eyes, how can we recreate that feeling and feed our inner child? How do we put into our lives a sense that we have the permission to choose, to take control, to make our own decisions, to follow and listen to our inner child when they need to play, even if it is not always possible to always do the exact thing we want all the time?
I believe that when we get lost, there is always a route back, and taking it can be fun and land us in a more exciting destination that we anticipated. Figuring out the best play pill to do that is important information to take seriously - no drugs required, just some time, an activity that results in a state of mind that helps you find you and off you go…doctors orders. If you have never taken a solo trip before and it sounds like something you’d respond well to, I couldn’t recommend it more, the confidence and self-love it always brings to me are so joyful.
What’s on your play prescription? Tell me your symptom and your pill of choice to heal it?
This could not have been a more perfect piece to wake and up and read this morning - so much of this has been on my
mind as my youngest starts playgroup a few days a week soon and it feels like I’m gasping for air to get back in tune with myself after a long season of all-consuming parenthood (full time stay at home mom) Although so interesting to read how you’ve found that to be a cycle of ‘feeling out of touch with yourself’ with older children.
I find myself constantly dreaming up and squeezing in small creative projects - learning embroidery, making a mosaic side table, re-arranging the garden… these feel like hints of the real me that is doing these things “just for me” - they benefit no one else and I’m clinging on to them hoping that as more time allows they are the times where I feel connected to myself… and as those gaps get bigger I’m hoping to find some guidance or be drawn into a journey of what work space I will enter into in this next season of my life.
Ok that was a long ramble, that was mainly just a thanks for putting pen to paper so to speak and enjoy soaking up all that solo city exploring!!!