Does playing Santa make me a deceptive parent?
It's that time of year again when parents fight about magic on the internet, lets dig in!
My favourite part of Christmas has always been Christmas Eve. I always prefer it to the actual day itself. There is so much magic in the air, a sense of collective imagination - a communal joining in on hope and belief. That feeling is better than any gift. I would often slink off by myself and stare up at the sky looking into the stars, squinting my eyes to see if I could see any signs of magic. I was doing this until I was into my teens. I still do it now. It’s a game you see, this is playing, a fantasy game about magical worlds, creatures and magic. I knew for a long time that there was no such thing as Father Christmas, just like I know there’s no Dumbledore, no magic faraway tree, no mermaids. But I have enjoyed all them wonderfully and they have all bought such meaning, joy and depth to my life. Why? Because in play we access parts of ourselves, deep authentic parts. When we engage and explore our imagination, let it free and be unrestricted by logic and ‘sense’, we allow ourselves to believe and what we find there is…hope. We build the ‘anything is possible’ reflex and we learn how to put it to action in other parts of our lives. Why do people go in droves to dress up in robes and visit Hogwarts? It’s not because they think it’s a lie or real, they want to feel close to magic because it’s the most powerful drug out there. It’s pure and beautiful and if we have the opportunity to get close to it, we should think about doing so.
For the past few years I’ve noticed an increase in posts on social media and media articles about parents rejecting the story of Father Christmas, the tooth fairy and other mythical tales and characters, because they do not want to be a parent who lies to their kids. They seek honest, truthful relationships with their children and understand telling lies threatens the safety-net of trust between parent and child. Some of them even have vivid memories of their own truth-reveal of Santy-C and can still feel the press of disappointment. These intentions come from a sound place. It is not a good idea to tell lies to kids, the fears these parents have are real. Deception can have damaging consequences on future relationships, I’m pleased to see people take this seriously and are so committed to it. But the problem with building a commitment to such an approach based on sound reasoning and logic is that imagination, play and magic colour way beyond those lines.
Are stories like Father Christmas lies, or are they actually something else that perhaps we don’t quite get the purpose of?
I believe these stories of make believe and magic sit in the world of imaginary play versus taking up space in the realm of ‘potentially future damaging lies’. When I read these perspectives, some of which I should add are actually written by experts, who know real stuff about brains, relationships and beyond, I find them, how can I put it?...Soulless.
There’s always something off that just doesn’t feel human. They feel harsh, sterile, and strict. Perhaps that’s because they tend to lack a consideration for exploring the value and role of believing and participating in magical stories. Maybe they don’t really get that part?
As any parent knows, kids are wildly unique. It’s my favourite thing about being a human actually. I have met and know of kids who deal in a currency of facts and logic. They need a level of transparency so crystal clear I wish I could promote them immediately to running the country. These kids require a different approach, a side chat, a ‘looping in’ if you like, on all things magic making. It doesn’t mean they can’t join in, but they need to be behind the scenes and pulling the strings, not front of house. These kids exist, but they’re few and far between, make them feel seen if you have one, they are wonderful.
Then there are also kids dealing with attachment, abstract thinking and real fears. The details freak them out. They’re not ready to work that out yet, the magic has got a bit too real for them - someone comes into my house whilst I’m asleep? Errr. No thankyou. These kids need less details, more mystery, they need to tell their own story, fill in the gaps in a way that makes them feel safe, take some control. Less is more and their approach to it all could change rapidly as they develop or it might not. Protect them and honor their fears, it will make it all the more fun for them.
Despite us knowing all this and knowing our own kids, something seems to be going on with magic and make believe that rather than get creative with our own versions, people are opting to ditch it altogether; those elves are spying on my kids and reporting back to santa? Gross, I’m out. Santa only brings presents if kids are good? Not for me I’m done. These stories are made up - nonsense if you like. And yes, there is always some thread back to some ancient tale or myth, but they are stories. Stories are how we as humans make sense of the world, ourselves and others. We love stories, stories are everything to us, the most important part of how we communicate and share with one another. It’s strange to me that there seems to be an increase in people who don’t feel able to make their own story, to take a thread, and make it their own, adapt it to their family and indulge in what is essentially one big invitation to play. I do not for one moment want to imply that I think engaging in the story of Father Christmas is important for everyone, there are plenty of religions and parts of the world where it’s less significant, I guess I am more concerned about the risk of magic drying up because we need it more than ever.
I enjoyed this article from Psychology Today written by Christian Hart who studies ‘deception’. He describes some research about the impact of growing up with the story of Father Christmas on relationships between parent and child - spoiler alert, nothing bad happens, he concluded this;
There aren’t many magical things that happen in life. When they do present themselves, it can be a great joy, even if it is only for a few precious years, and even if it turns out to be just a fun story spun by the people who love you most. Those memories of those magical times can still bring cheer to your heart years later.
I have a hunch this point of view on rejecting the story of Father Christmas could be picking up momentum as a response to the commercialisation of Christmas. With the ability to look into everyone’s homes and get a close up look at everyone’s strand of magic, it can be a heavy time of comparison, overwhelm and pressure. As a child I had no idea what anyone else did for Christmas, it was quite a simple time. I do remember a few favourite presents I received - lava lamp and Baby Sitter Club books and some I didn’t - Mr Frosty we will meet again one day, lol, I don’t remember much ‘stuff’ beyond that. I remember people, magic in the air and holding that in my heart.
I also wonder if concern about these magical lies is a push back on what seems to be an increased focus on children ‘being good’. Again, I sort of remember this as a kid, but it was held quite lightly, it felt more like a joke than a real threat and perhaps that has evolved in a direction that does not match people’s values. This idea of spying elves and threats to take away rewards, does not chime well with a growing preference for ‘gentle parenting’. This is an approach which tends to reject the notion of naughty behaviour altogether as it is seen as a manifestation of feelings, not purposeful naughtiness. With this context, it’s easy to see how parents who are remaining true to this approach would see a contradiction in the ‘naughty nice’ part the story and possibly even take offence by being confronted with it. I would refer back to my earlier point here though, in that there are no rules. You can tell your own story, we have a great time with the elves and have never discussed at any point their they’re spies, yeah, that is pretty weird and not our play version!
Do people feel empowered and able to make up their own magical stories? It’s an interesting thought to ponder and leads me to consider if for some this resistance might come down to a lack of understanding of play or an inability to engage in imagination. The biggest barriers to play and the thing that causes our imagination to get rusty and less able to play is stress. Play struggles to flow with stress and it also hates distractions. Christmas is notoriously a stressful time for parents, maybe sustained imaginative play just feels really far away from what they have capacity for?
I didn’t have a big ‘finding out’ moment about Father Christmas that I recall, perhaps I knew all along; I was smart and playful; it would be in line with my play personality and character to just join in and play out this story. I do remember my parents being playful about it and in hindsight, it was quite obvious they were playing. We can tell when one another are at play through our body language, our facial expressions - we literally see play in each other’s eyes. I think sometimes we forget this about kids, as experts in play, they know when someone is at it themselves.
Our eldest had his discovery moment sometime during lockdown, not something I wanted to add to the mix at that time to be honest, lol, but it actually turned out to be really quite beautiful. He texted me of all things; how very Gen Alpha.
I think I know Santa isn’t real
Ah, I’m sorry dude, are you ok?
Yeah it’s fine, I think I knew anyway
I hope you’ve had fun with it and still will!
Do I still get presents?
Lol. Yes. And the exciting news is you’re now in the magic makers club…
What’s that?
You get to keep the magic alive for your younger brother and sister. And in doing so you get to carry in feeling the magic for your whole life
I have nothing but love and gratitude for my parents for making the effort to make Christmas enjoyable and so naturally, I want to do the same for our kids. We are not a religious family, I see Christmas more as an invitation to play to close out the year. We draw a line under the past year through togetherness threaded with fun and play, this works for us. I’m not sure when my daughter figured it all out. She’s a bit like me and wouldn’t say, very happy to carry on playing. We were watching Elf the other day and there’s a part when Santa tells Buddy that people don’t believe in Christmas and they think that their parents get all the parents, she looked over at me, mischief written all over her face, she raised her eyebrows and smirked, she raised them again. I giggled and returned to my hot chocolate and her eyes returned back to the screen, glowy and amused. I can give her the greatest thing a child could ask for, so I will - a parent who believes anything is possible.
I never wanted to tell my children that Father Christmas brought their presents, etc, but we still read stories with him in and so they've developed their own sort of legend. They get presents from their family, but Father Christmas does exist and there are lots of people pretending to be Father Christmas at Christmas markets and things. So this year they have decided that their grandad (rotund, bearded) should pretend to be Santa and bring them presents. They like the idea so much that they've chosen it for themselves, I suppose, which I think is pretty cool.
Oo that text thread had me smile crying this morning. I love being in the magic makers club!