Advice for new parents?
I’m no expert but here’s some tiny and big things that have helped me pursue a playful parenting journey
If there’s one thing that people will say about this period of time and parenting I think it will be this - information overload. Our social media streams are mishmash of ideas, insights, and information and as a consequence so are heads. I think a lot of parents today, mums especially, suffer from entering into (usually without signing up) the ‘right-quest’. The right-quest is the never ending pursuit of the right answer, the right way to do something and the lingering feeling that if something’s not going right then it is our fault; afterall, with so much information at our fingertips surely it’s just a case of us finding the right solution and putting into action?
So much of parenting I have learnt comes down to time, space, patience, our own resilience, support and lifestyle. Some of that we may have control over, some of it we may not. We seem to spend a lot of time arguing about that now too which is distracting.
Have you ever been asked the question - what’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever been given about being a parent? I find it hard to answer. The journey is so personal and at the time of becoming a new mum I had a strong yearning to make all the mistakes first hand as this is the most effective way to learn, so I embraced that. If I’m honest, when I was given advice I’m not sure I really understood it. 13 years in I have been asked many times for advice for new parents and always felt about icky giving it because of this. But there are some really practical things I’d love to put out into the world in case they are helpful to anyone else and also some emotional ones too - these are more decisions I feel in time spent and trying to regain some control of your headspace as it fills up with more and more overwhelm.
I have written these somewhat in order of babies to older kids.
Baby gifts are better spent on your own comfort
If you’re fortunate enough to have the offer of gifts for your new family life, or you’re about to invest your own hard earned cash, think cautiously about where to invest this. Babies more than anything want happy, secure caregivers and your money is better spent there. Get some airpods to keep you company on long nights, the best mattress you can afford, curate your space so it’s joy bringing, get a membership to somewhere you can relax, get some therapy, book 12 massages one a month for the next year - whatever it is, look around your life and ask, what would make me a more happy and secure caregiver for my baby and that’s where to put your dosh.
Protect your sense of humour at all costs
This never comes up in new baby advice and chat and is undervalued. Our sense of humour is an important piece of our soul, a connection to our authentic self. To detach from it is highly risky. Preserve it, feed it and look after it. Make a laughter list of shows, comedians, movies and people in your life who make your life and make sure they feature regularly in your life. When stressful things happen with learning the ropes of looking after a baby try and reframe some of these moments with humour, don’t let them fester as failures or confidence knocks, take them, own them and laugh along with them. Do this when you can, it won’t always be, but you can do this through writing, talking, texting, even in your own imagination.
Have a scheduled day off life for yourself
If I have any regrets this is one. I do this now but I didn’t in my early years of motherhood. I flipflopped between parenting and work endlessly. Very few moments for proper deep rest inbetween, always snatches of a night off or a bit of exercise here and there. Those matter too of course to keep functioning throughout a weekly cycle but I’m talking about regular long form moments of unplugging from parenting and work. I used to think I didn’t have time for this but the reality is I did, I just didn’t value making it happen. Whatever your frequency is to take it, take it. It might be monthly, quarterly perhaps even less but start wherever you’re at and make it your goal to increase it. We often think about promotion and moving up but my goals these days are more about increasing my time off, than doing more with my time on.
Invest time in the things that seem trivial but impact your everyday
If you feel like you don’t like or know your personal style, take some time to make a mood board, go shopping for a wallet free and try stuff on outside your comfort zone. Have a dress up party with a friend. Take this feeling seriously and action it, don’t brush it away. If cooking is driving you insane, find a way to fall back in love with it, browse recipe books, take yourself out for dinner, mix things up. Don’t just sit in the mundanity and suck it up, bring your creativity but make your own joy the target as you can’t control other people’s.
Have a postnatal play project
Like humour, no one will talk to you about the importance that you play as a mother. Not with your child, I’m talking about you and just for you. Creativity and imagination are magic. They should be seen as tools of well-being not characteristics of people who are ‘arty’. Indulge them in a project - make it easy, pressure free and one that appeals your inner kid. Perhaps you want to complete a walking route within a year in small stages. Maybe you have a giant puzzle you visit every morning to set your mind up. Perhaps you add something to a scrapbook eachday. It doesn’t matter. It’s not about the activity it’s the way its done - led by you, for you and with no goal other than to make you feel more you.
Date-dates over dinner dates
Movies will tell you that you need to go for dinner with your partner to keep a healthy relationship. Sometimes that is lovely. But playing with them will keep you better connected to intimacy. When we play we are our most authentic selves, something we share with one another in early relationships as we try and get to know one another. When we’ve got so far we tend to stop. Playing retracts and add kids into the mix and everything becomes more functional. If you can’t get out to do activities together, play board games, video games, cook together, read the same book and discuss, again it doesn't matter what it is just that you’re both engaged and at play.
Set up a different email for school admin
Ok this is very specific but I cannot tell you how often I wish I had this. When kids start school prepare for a lot of admin. Even if you struggle with organisation let me kindly give you a kick up the butt and say this is the time to get your shit together. Have a plan with your co parent (if you have one), set up a shared inbox just for school where nothing else is in there and decide who’s going to read and action. I do not have this and it pains me, I just feel like I’m 3 kids deep now and it’s almost too late as my email is connected to so many things, but if you’re not there yet I strongly recommend you do this! Decide who is going to join the parent whatsapp groups, I personally think we need a better mix of mums and dads on these to shift the energy sometimes. Mute them. Nothing is usually urgent as it seems and when it is you’ll know about it.
Don’t feel pressured to do everything together if you don’t have to
Family time has become a coveted precious thing. And it is, especially as a lot of people would like more than they have access to. But don’t let that fool you that it’s fun and easy. I personally find things hardest when all of us are together. There’s a lot more scope for big fun but there’s also a lot more that can go wrong. Sibling arguing is part of family life but it’s exhausting for parents and can burn us out. Introduce mixing things up early on (if it’s possible for you). My kids have never once complained about anything being ‘unfair’. If you build a relationship of trust and lifestyle where you do different things to cater to different play styles you can end up having better experiences (in my opinion!)
Keep learning
A lot of adults stop being curious. It’s a huge bummer for the world and it’s partly a reason why we end up with so many polarised views and a lack of ability to understand nuance. A commitment to learning will keep your mind open. Openness is one of the big personality traits (which are linked to well being and ‘well-roundedness’) and it’s very healthy for parent-child relationships as you’ll find it easier to connect with them before you jump to criticism. And you can do this however you like. You can learn about anything, in any form. Reading, researching, watching, visiting, talking - whatever peaks your curiosity go follow your nose, good things will come from it.
Hike with your kids
I don’t really know how to explain this but I just think this is one thing that helps relationships. Of course, they’ll rarely be up for it and might huff and puff about it when they get older (we’re in that stage already) but I just think it makes a difference. You eventually talk, you experience nature together, you look at real things growing, you breathe fresh air. I don’t think it matters if you do it weekly or when you feel you’re disconnecting, just keep it in the mix, keep hiking.
Let go of justifying your choices
Oooph. This is kind of a big one. There is so much tied up into this one, but so many people get stuck in the loop of needing to prove their right in their choices. Perhaps someone will share some news with them and instead of reacting to it being about that person they will respond with a comment about why they are or are not doing that themselves. Be confident in your decisions, make them and move on, you don’t need to linger around the decision making moment and live there. If it helps I can share that the best piece of life advice I’ve had that works for parenting, business and beyond is this…You’re allowed to change your mind. And it will be ok.
Emma x